now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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