Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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