Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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