Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
