Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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