I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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