end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
