Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
