I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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