I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
