Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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