wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
