Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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