watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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