She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
