just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
