is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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