I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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