my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
