Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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