you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We were destined to go to rehab together
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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