after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
