Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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