We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
