Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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