I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
