You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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