smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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