my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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