Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
