everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
