If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
