I'm going to jail i love you
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
