you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
