can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
