I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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