exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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