You were right. It hurts to walk today.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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