and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
