Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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