i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
