i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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