Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
