It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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