I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Farmville is her only friend.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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