He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
