I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
