3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
