You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
