but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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