well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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