I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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