I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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