hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
